10 Super Bowl Halftime Shows We'd Rather See Than Beyoncé x Coldplay
Please let it remain untwisted. We love Beyoncé and Coldplay. Okay, mostly we love Beyoncé. Really, we do. But let's take a step back--Bey's slated appearance alongside Chris Martin and C-play at this weekend's Super Bowl Halftime Show will be her 2nd, having already shut down television and reversed time to stage a Destiny's Child reunion back in 2013. So the part of the show you're excited about is already reheated beans. And the current rumor that Bruno Mars will also be joining the halftime fun adds another layer to make a three-bean salad of already-saw-that with wouldn't-have-been-my-first-choice. Ratings might be high, but the streets aren't messing with this one.
In the past (remember the past?) the NFL Super Bowl Halftime Show was even more engaging than the actual football game. With legends such as Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston in the pantheon of previous experiences, the 2016 NFL Super Bowl Halftime Show is not looking like not so super by comparison. Most of all this three-headed pop monster seems to suggest that the NFL has already run through ALL the current artists out there who are big enough to command America's attention for 11 minutes, which is just not true.
It's as easy to sit on the sidelines and "meh" on somebody's else musical taste as it is to Monday-morning quarterback your way to imagined victory. So we decided to hold ourselves to the time-honored standard of de-hateration ie we know what you're not here for...but what are you FOR? And you know what? We didn't even have to strain our armchairs to come up with a whole Fantasy Football league of headliners we'd be ready to shake a pom-pom for. Without further pre-gaming, these are the 10 Super Bowl Halftime Shows that we'd rather see than Beyoncé x Coldplay...
1. Fetty Wap.
Yeah we said it, Fetty Wap--preferably performing A "Trap Queen" medley of Remi Boy anthemz. 2016 doesn’t have a breakout hit, yet, so it is only right that this year’s Super Bowl pays homage to the epicness of “Trap Queen,” “679” and “My Way.” Yeaaahh, baby! —Kevito
2. N.W.A. Reunion Starring An Eazy-E Hologram
Forget an Oscar. These future Rock & Roll Hall of Famers deserve the chance to strut their stuff in a big leagues way. Paying tribute to Eazy-E through the usage of a hologram would send a strong statement to those boys in blue out here messing with the people. Okay, true we didn't think of this one ourselves, but where would you rather see NWA--the desert? Or in a football stadium in the Bay? —Kevito
3. George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic + Kendrick Lamar Cameo
Truth be told, Coldplay and Beyoncé might not be the bee’s knees only because there is an undeniable stank bubbling beneath the brook. Seeing Doctor Funkenstein and his merry band of intergalactic musicians grace the stage would be an out-of-this-world experience. Add to the mix, Kendrick Lamar, as a very important and special guest and you have the makings of must-see, original television. - Kevito
4. Frank Ocean, Preferably With A Surprise LP Announcement, Please.
You know us, suckers for fairy tales. - Zo
5. Kanye West f. Cameos From Miley Cyrus & Yasiin Bey.
Just imagine: the three-story Yeezus pyramid rising from center field, Miley in an Eeyore costume making weird faces at Travis Scott on the "Black Skinhead"/Tears for Fears mosh-up. Yasiin Bey premiering new joints live from South Africa or maybe Cuba, face half-covered by a new-danger keffiyeh. You could even bring out Jay for a quick Watch The Throne medley and--boom [lights cut]--"Waves is dropping at midnight!" Cue confetti and back to some football. - Eddie STATS
6. Jidenna x Janelle Monaé
Could there be a better toast to the Wondaland crew's massive year? We think not. "Classic Man" instantly unites the war-like camps of our factious nation. PLUS it makes another great excuse for a Kendrick cameo! - Eddie STATS
7. Drake x Future
Probably the least "Okayplayer-ish" halftime show ever (Unless, of course, Coldplay is on the bill. Wait a minute...). But also maybe the best? Hell, for extra savings in the Super Bowl budget, Drake could even get in some time providing color commentary from the announcer's booth. - Eddie STATS
8. The Smiths
No, not Morrisey. The Smith Family--Will, Jaden, Willow all giving America their freshest 5 minutes of material. With an extended DJ Jazzy Jeff Megamix, of course. - Eddie STATS
9. Justin Bieber f. Diplo, Skrillex & Ludacris.
We never we thought we'd say it either. But you know he's got the pop appeal, you know he's got the catalog of hits. With the most credible 4 songs Jah Biebs has ever made currently dominating the airwaves and Diplo to play America's DJ, it's now or never to get the OKP endorsement. Be for real: Wouldn't this shit be more exciting than a retread of the last 3-4 Super Bowls? - Eddie STATS
10. NaS Performing "Halftime" At Halftime--w/ A Little Help From The Roots!
Yeah, okay. We ARE biased. But, c'mon. He got a song called "Halftime"--just take "One Mic" (above) and plug it into this anthem-ready hip-hop classic (below) and...Super Bowl History. - Eddie STATS