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Drake's "NWTS" is reviewed by Big Ghost

Yep. We been waiting like you been waiting. And now it finally happened: Big Ghost reviewed the new Drake album Nothing Was The Same. Without further ado, read on:

Ayo whattup…you now back in the presence of the one n only grand imperial Hands Of Zeus aka the illustrious Thor Molecules aka the mighty Cocaine Biceps…otherwise known as Shampoo Bracelets the panty melter…also known as the one n only Galaxy Knuckles or Broccoli Bundles the almighty… Yall might also kno me as ya boy Big Ghost aka Volcano Hands the inventor of slaps… Otherwise you might kno me as Phantom Raviolis or the grand immaculate Spartacus Deluxe. I kno what yall prolly thinkin…THIS N**GA DONE CAME UP…HE HOLLYWOOD…LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRAVAGANTISM B…OH MY GAWD. I feel you my n**ga….I sense theres animosity n whatever whatever. I done started from the bottom n now Im here…straight up n down. I aint ashamed bout none of that. Im gettin this cake n Imma still be givin yall the raw uncut while I enjoy this luxurious splendor. Jus lemme flourish tho. Anyways yo….we aint here for all that so the gawd gon cut the introductions short so we can get this shit on n pippin.

Aight so once again we here to discuss the latest release from a dude who prolly gon need no introductions but Imma introduce him anyways namsayin…Yall might knohim as that owl-obsessed Aaliyah stan from the great white north wit the exotic budgie tat n the wild flamboyant hand gestures that makes bout 63 questionable facial expressions per minute while hoppin around on stage in a tank top who installed a a showerhead that sprays lavender scents into the air n a stripper pole in his crib n calls hisself Champagne Papi– but yo…hol up son… I mean only in this fake ass industry can you go from bein a silver spoon swallowin jewgro witta blend of melted butter n warm Ovaltine flowin thru ya bloodstream playin a paraplegic lame on a corny teen soap opera to becomin besties witta fake Blood who looks like a cross between a gremlin, a cabbage patch doll n a chupacabra n call yaself Champagne Papi n still be crazy respected by ya peers b… We talmbout a dude who done made songs so moist they could tenderize a steak if you left it in front of the speaker… Songs that could hydrate ya skin n cleanse ya pores n shit… Songs that could make swans appear at ya doorstep… Shit that could pasteurize milk. But yall guessed it…its the AJ Soprano of rap hisself…the 2013 Chandler Bing…the Human Rollerblade…Drizzy Drake.

Drake - NWTS reviewed by Big Ghost

I aint gon lie b…I aint what yall might call a “Drake fan” n shit. Matter fact most yall muthafuckas be like WORD YOU A DRAKE HATER B…which aint true. I actually appreciate a lot of what this beige muthafucka done accomplished in his career. I mean aint like I was a fan of ALL that shit but there was definitely joints that I was feelin since back in the Room For Improvement/Comeback Season era namsayin. Son wasnt whylin on some all the way corny shit back then tho. On the other hand he wasnt exactly what you might refer to as a n**ga you take too seriously neither. He kept it straight lightskinned n on some boy next door type shit n whatever. He was a “safe” n**ga. He seemed like the type of dude who actually knew what the fuck a backgammon board was for n shit. Son seemed like he done got busy witta pottery wheel at least a few times in his life before…shit like that. He seemed like a dude who would kno the difference between a dinner fork n a salad fork n might gon chuckle if he seen you usin the wrong one or some shit…the kinda dude who had hedgehogs or some other kinda exotic rodents growin up instead of a dog nahmean. He seemed like the type of n**ga who favorite hood flicks was Set It Off n Jason’s Lyric. Like he might coulda been the type to somersault down a hill laughin or make a short film of a plastic bag blowin round in the wind n have his friends come thru the crib to watch it n make smores n shit like that…the type of dude Alfonso Ribeiro would play on a tv show n shit.

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Comments

  • Amy

    The last link isn’t working

  • mikeydigital

    This was the most difficult album review to read in the HISTORY of Okayplayer!!

    • DNA

      youre an idiot. GHOSTFACEEEEE

    • mikeydigital

      That’s funny. It looks like 9 people have voted my comment up compared to your weak ass 4.

      Now you go suck a dick, GHOSTFACEEEEE <– Fuck ya life ninja..

    • SammyB

      how many people give a fcuk about your likes in real life though?

    • johnblacksad

      smh… at this @mikeydigital clown… dude deserves a Volcano double slap special for real!

      slap the likes out of his taste!

  • Josh Huckstep

    So I had to read two pages of nonsensical bullshit before he even started reviewing the album? I’ll pass.

  • brew

    That was hilarious…especially if you read it in ghosts voice

  • DaniD

    Best album review of all time. Drakes that type of dude that makes lavender spray out of his shower

    • Kreole

      True story too

  • dj diz

    i just stopped reading…if you need an intro before you start critiquing an artists work on a literary platform then are you the artist or are they. it was campy and amusing the first few lines but man…this comment is an assessment of you more than a comment on the assessment of drake. one the big reasons artists don’t expose critics to their music in advance any more. no integrity and no seriousness about the task at hand. he took time to make it and whether you liked it or not your unbiased opinion should be the main focus of the piece. when respect is given? respect is due.

    • Kreole

      And you sir is an idiot

  • Heisenberg

    Love these reviews

  • Matt

    You all realize this is a joke review, right?

  • jd

    So awesome that people don’t realize the joke. He’s gotta feel like Andy Kaufman sometimes.

  • Ibrahim Kafani Hassan Cisse

    this dude is hilarious!!!! his cliches are funniest thing in the world and so true !!! lmao !!!!

  • BlackSails

    This is great. Not his best review, but he’s set some high standards for them. The photos killed me. But 3.5 Zeus Slaps????

  • Jeremy Daytona Velasquez

    you know this isn’t ghost face, right?

  • AnonymousAsian

    Volcano Hands is my Lord and Savior

  • Orion Quest

    Best thing is. If this were really Tony, Drake would have no response. He’s NO WHERE near the MC Tony is, nor does he have the respect. Well to some 20 something rap fans maybe, but to a true hip hop head? NA son!!

    • Bizzy

      The true hip hop heads that don’t buy shit son

  • MERKJONES

    I think Ghost’s site crashed because of this. Can’t wait to see the track by track reviews. These always kill me, deadass funneral tears at work right now.

  • Slickback Ivanhoe

    That was the greatest album review i’ve ever read. he reviewed the album by reviewing Drake by way of reviewing Kanye and in the process insulting tyga. Best Review of The Year.

  • tru-uno

    shits naht the same since Big Ghost been writing for Okayplayer, yo!

  • Surprised

    Why is ‘ignorant writing’ considered funny and satirical. :-/

  • Diana Marcelino

    This is a great album. As he stated in one of his interviews “this in an album that you have to listen front to back and back to front”. He did not lie! it’s filled with complexity and it’s up to the listener to connect it to their own personal experiences. Not only does drake make you think in his song he makes you feel connected to your greater self. Honestly everyone talks BS about “oh he so sensitive” or He’s “the type of nigga that” blah blah! Drake is able to be real about how he feels and he doesn’t have to put a front or a persona to look good for the sake of his fans and that I admire. He’s himself while the rest of the world is too afraid to admit they have feelings or say what they really think. Drake is able to connect with his fans and he’s able to go deep into his soul and express all thats down there. I admire a person who isn’t afraid to say I’ve been hurt, or this is how I feel about my life and my experiences. I would like people to ask themselves “can I connect with a song about chains and money?” obviously you don’t have fame nor the money nor the chains so what are you relating to? oh wait I get it it sounds cool! Right? when half the crap most of the rappers now days rap about doesn’t even make sense at least not grammatically. People think that being a rapper is putting words that rhyme together. Rather than focusing on what’s real people focus on whats “cool” superficial, materialistic and outer focus on life. And yeah you fuck bitches and yeah you get money but at the end of the day I bet they all ask themselves “why do I feel so alone?” because right after you climax and you pull out that high orgasmic feeling is gone and all you’re left with is emptiness and only a shallow person with no substance will talk crap and criticize Drake for being in touch with his emotions. At least he’s doing what everyone is afraid of doing. Being real! And thats why I’m a fan of drake I don’t care to listen to the typical “Bad Bitches, Getting Faded, Getting Money, Wearing chains” raps out there. I care about depth. Drake is thoughtful, profound and INTENSE!

  • guest

    Why isn’t there a dedicated link to go straight to all album reviews anymore?

  • IncaPrincess

    What?