Not Okay (Sport): Eli & Peyton Manning - "Football On Your Phone" [Direct TV Promo Video]

Lenny Kravitz, Grace Jones, Lauryn Hill, Lion Babe, Thundercat, SZA & More Rock The Afropunk Festival 2015 in Brooklyn, NY.

So this happened a couple days ago and naturally this song is a hit (crumbs). Peyton Manning and his brother/quarterback of  The New York Football Giants Eli Manning made a catchy "rap" song to promote Direct TV's NFL streaming package (streaming package. Lawd.) Of course the internet's loins went all aflame due to the comedy that comes from these two southern gents (read: white people) getting dressed up in their 80's "rapper clothes" sporting funky wigs and spitting hot fire. While I can appreciate the catchy-ness of the song--unfortunately I've had to listen to it several times to write this and it will be stuck in my head all day--let's dissect this a little and get to the root of what it's really about.

Clearly, this was not made by anyone in the urban demographic (read: black people) because they would not write this kind of fvxery for the 8.85% --though I'm sure there was a "music director" who was like "yo, I got beats son." This was probably written by the Lonely Island dudes, who I abhor. It is a mockery of hip-hop, totally irreverent. I'm sure while you were laughing you didn't take the time to notice how they put make up on to give themselves more color. The Mayonnaise brothers are whiter than Wonderbread, so they needed a little pigment to rap apparently--why not just go blackface? Also note how they carefully edit out the milk spilling on the blouse, lest the pornographic overtones of lines like "it's like I spilled miiillkkk on your blllooouuusseee on accident--or on purpose" ruin the family-friendly fun. Also what is the hand motion (which will be henceforth referred to as "masturbating whale")  that they keep doing? I can't even put words to this shit. Okay, maybe one word: Stop.

How they got the 3 background singers lip-synching to one voice and dancing with no rhythm, doing the aforementioned "masturbating whale"...? Insert breakdancer for credibility. Eli looks like Drake (just saying) and as if it was some pun from the gods they actually had Archie dress like Elvis. I couldn't have written that one better myself. It was pointed out that this song "may have also defeated every last rap song ever recorded" by some person who clearly has never listened to any rap music. But is this really rap? Or just a caricature used to promote a product sold by rich people (read: white people) to the ever-willing masses. That includes me--and all of us who love to watch young men--who are by written contract property of the team "owners"--destroy each other every Sunday for our pleasure. Are you not entertained!? I can't abide this shit.