Frank Ocean got us feeling existential. The now infamous adage, put forth by the wise and prophetic young Jay Z, “This can’t be life” comes to our clouded and poor Frank Ocean’s second album-less minds. Many theories as to why the album has yet to drop have abounded. Perhaps he has simply forsaken us? Maybe Christopher Francis Ocean born Christopher Edwin Breaux and known the world over as Frank Ocean is a figment of our collective imaginations? Most likely, we are just over thinking it. In any case, we got the team together and had countless meetings, contemplated deeply, we’ve solved complex mathematical equations, consulted astrophysicists, prayed, cried, laughed, loved, ate, lived, played Channel Orange backwards at exactly 87 BPM (1987 was the year Ocean was born) and compiled the 15 best theories as to what is going on with Frank Ocean, his alleged, and I stress alleged, album, and that carpentry over ambient music live-stream situation on his website.
1. Frank has gone fully Dexter. He is simply setting the stage for us to watch him dismember all the various record execs who tried to control his art on a table-saw, while new age music plays in the background.
2. Frank Ocean initiated the live-stream in an attempt to make Home Improvement viral, so he can have Tim Allen drop a guest verse on Boys Don’t Cry.
3. Slight oscillations in the playback of the music suggest the room we see is vibrating…or moving. Wait—it’s actually inside the back of a giant container truck that is constantly driving West, chasing the international dateline so that it’s never quite midnight wherever Frank is. (Frank is driving the truck.)
4. Frank has been on a year long acid trip and he thinks he’s Noah. He is building an ark to save all of us from the coming flood God is preparing in response to Trump supporters. A hard rain is going to fall.
5. Frank named a song “Voodoo”—a clear tribute to D’Angelo. This is the secret key alerting us that this is all just Act I of a 14-year (15-year?) hiatus designed specifically to break D’s record for most longest-anticipated album. Frank has already scheduled his comeback show in Stockholm, Sweden in 2028.
6. Frank Ocean is creating a race of Frick-n-Frack Oceans to take over the world, and he wants us to witness his diabolical scheme unfolding in real time.
7. Frank is using the saw in an attempt to cut right through the “Third Wall” and download his LP directly into our hearts. But he’s accidentally cutting through the 2nd wall. WE ARE OVER HERE FRANK CAN’T YOU SEE US