Okay Sport: The 2013 Player Awards [The NBA Edition]
So game 1 of the NBA Finals kicks off tonight, The Miami Heat vs. The San Antonio Spurs. To that I say, who the F cares? The story lines are written already, King James wins it and takes one step closer to Kobe and MJ and starts making a stronger case for G.O.A.T. or the Spurs win it and Tim Duncan gets his fifth chip and cements himself as the greatest power forward ever (on the most boring team in professional sports). Interesting themes for some, but not to us. However, The playoffs this year have been very exciting up until this point, so it's time to hand out some achievement awards for what we've seen thus far. Myself and Nate (who holds down merch at OKP) threw together this list of ridiculous pre-finals awards (mainly for our own entertainment) - so click through and weigh in with your thoughts. Make no mistake about it, our bias is fully showing (I rock with the 76ers, he's a Lakers fan) - so if you want some impartial commentary, go holla at ESPN or something.
Category: Most Likely To Whoop Somebody Ass In A Dark Alley After His Team Got Bounced
And The Winner Is... Kendrick Perkins
shamz: By all accounts I've heard, this dude is actually a real nice guy off the court... but I don't believe that shit for a second. The guy is 6'10", 270 and looks like a pure ass-kicking machine; he has that 'fresh out of the penitentiary' face and you know he's got some bodies on him. I'd imagine after the Grizzlies bounced his squad in game 5 a few unmarked graves turned up in Oklahoma City.
Nate: Clearly the meanest looking dude in the NBA. He is easily the most likely to whoop somebody ass in a dark alley after his team got bounced. After the Thunder got eliminated, Perk went out looking for someone to hurt... in lieu of finding a human to crush he would also settle for stomping on puppies.
Category: Worst Dressed
And The Winner Is... Dwyane Wade
shamz: Honestly, the pictures speak for themselves. There really isn't much competition here. I do once remember Wade being a good dresser, but I guess he started feelin' himself after awhile and now it's alll bad. A capri suit? really my dude? I don't know how Gabrielle Union lets this man leave the house lookin' like that. Russell Westbrook's knee injury is all that kept him from taking back his crown in this category though.
Nate: D-wade wins only because the great Russell Westbrook wasn't around long enough to upstage him. Anyone who can go to his moms house, steal the curtains, sow a jacket and still have time left over to find some highwaters high enough to keep his pants dry during the impending coastal flooding due to global warming clearly wins... or loses depending on where you're sitting.
Category: Team Dumb Enough To Give Bynum A Max Contract
And The Winner Is... The Dallas Mavericks
shamz: As a 76er fan, this is a real sensitive subject. My team got GOT, now let's see who's next. In a league of dying big men, someone is going to throw a boatload of cash at this man (again). Yes, he has the maturity of a 12 year old, but there will always be a market for a 7-footer with some kind of offensive interior presence. My vote is for the Mavericks, Mark Cuban has been fairly quiet for a minute, and needs something to draw attention to himself and his team. Dirk is clearly on the downside of his career at this point, and I'm sure Mark would be convinced that Bynum can get them over the hump (he won't) for one last title run.
Nate: Why not add some more mediocre to your team?
Category: Team That Should Be Blown Up First
And The Winner Is... The Knicks
shamz: As a life long Iverson fan, listen to me when I tell you this, YOU CAN NOT BUILD A TEAM AROUND CARMELO ANTHONY. All those buckets are nice, but dude can't play with anyone and do you really want to put your faith in J.R. Smith? You've now got Amar'e Stoudemire making $100 million from the bench and you rolled out the AARP All-Stars (Marcus Camby, Jason Kidd, Kenyon Martin) this year as if that should impress your fan base. Y'all really need to blow it up and start over or else you have years of being eliminated by the Heat and Pacers to look forward to if you don't. But to quote Vado: "No matter who they get I'll never be a fan of the Knicks."
Nate: Now I know you New York fans may disagree but seriously... get real. That team as built right now will not beat anybody of significance. Half the team's going to retire after the season anyway. Might as well start over.
Category: The Smush Parker LVP Award
And The Winner Is... Dwight Howard
shamz: Could this have worked out any worse for you Lakers fans? (what up Nate?) Granted, he may have been injured in the early part of the season, but dude just looked lost out there, this was not the Shaq substitute y'all have been looking for. Dwight still has no post game and him and Kobe were a match made in hell. Then Kobe goes down and you look for Dwight to take the lead and that didn't happen at all. And dude CLEARLY intentionally got himself ejected from the last play off game so he could get out of there (and out of a Laker jersey for good) as soon as possible (sucka move right there). Smush Parker is at a Brooklyn Popeyes right now, shaking his head that he has to share this title with you, Dwight.
Nate: DWIGHT, despite stats that don't look so bad, was pretty terrible all year for my guys. Part of me thinks we should've done a "Team Dumb Enough To Give Dwight A Max Contract" award also...but alas he will get paid... probably by my Lakers... and I'll have to root for this happy a$$ mofo for the next 5 years.
Category: Most Likely To Be Overpaid After the Playoffs
And The Winner Is...Nate Robinson
shamz: I honestly don't even know when this guy turned into a basketball player. After years of spectacular dunks and bricked out fade away three pointers from 30 feet, Nate Robinson was ballin' somethin serious for the Bulls in these playoffs. With Derrick Rose in street clothes icing his fragile psyche, Nate really stepped up and carried his team as far as he could. He's a free agent now and someone is bound to overpay him for the theatrics he just put on. At which point he is sure to revert to the Nate of old and remind you why no one should trust dude as the starting PG of their franchise.
Nate: Nate Robinson lit up the playoffs for as long as he is tall. He took like 20 shots a game and talked the whole time... someone's going to forget that he's bout 30, shorter than everyone and give him too much money. He's a novelty like a mini cheeseburger USB.
Category: Most Likely To Never Be Heard From Again After The Playoffs
And The Winner Is... Jeremy Lin
shamz: This may just be wishful thinking here, but can we just be done with this whole Lin thing? The media coverage for his run in NY was like nothing I've ever seen before, and that was all nice, but dude has been exposed. He's a decent role player, but he is no star. I can see Houston's thinking in picking him up, but it's James Harden's team, and if they can find a way to scoop up Dwight (assuming he's a better fit there) you may have yourself a contender... but you'll need a real point guard to run the show (might wanna move up in the draft and get my man Trey Burke).
Nate: As Linsanity fades further and further into the past, Jeremey Lin will slowly descend into a cheeseburger-induced coma and disappear
Category: The Pau Gasol Mister Softee Award
And The Winner Is... Blake Griffin
shamz: Fans are so enamored with this guy's dunking ability that this fact is often overlooked (that and his lack of defense). There's nothing wrong with being on some softee keep the peace shit, and it's not like Blake has ever attempted to be a tough guy. But I'm so tired of watching this dude get punked out time and time again from college all the way into the pros. Z-Bo smacks this guy around whenever he feels like it and you can see in Blake's eyes he wants NO PROBLEMS - man up, son.
Nate: Blake makes commercials where he tells his younger, softer self how to grow up and be less soft yet still somehow resembles a tissue.
Category: Most likely Spur to Be Posterized By Bron Bron
And The Winner Is... Matt Bonner
shamz: It's gonna happen Bonner, just accept it. You can try and take the charge or even man up and go for the block, but Bron Bron will be dunking on your head at some point, possibly as soon as tonight. My advice would be to just clear the lane when you see #6 charging through, don't end up on that SportCenter screen tonight.
Nate: Lebron would dunk on God if he was on the Spurs... so yeah R.I.P Matt Bonner... see you on the other side.
Category: The Free Lunch Award
And The Winner Is... Tracy McGrady
shamz: Damn homie, it's sad to see T-Mac come to this. He must be the oldest 34 year old in the league with all his body has gone through. He finally breaks the curse and makes it out of the first round of the playoffs, but it's as the 12th man on the Spurs bench, ain't that some shit? I'm not mad at you though T-Mac, keep collectin' them checks, I guess there really is a such thing as free lunch.
Nate: Finally made it out the first round... good job bro
Category: The Worst Defender aka The Matador Award
And The Winner Is... Carlos Boozer
shamz: A few guys could have scooped up this award, but I think Boozer is the rightful title holder here. I would say Boozer's defense leaves much to be desired, but that might imply that 'los plays something that resembles defense. If I was a forward in the NBA I'd be coming at this dude's neck [II] every damn play, and he'd be sure to hit me with that olé and step to the side.
Nate: Los couldn't stop a 4th grader from getting to the rim.
Category: The Flopper of The Century Award
And The Winner Is... Lebron James
shamz: I'm sorry, but this shit is disgraceful. Actin like you got shot with a bazooka every time someone comes within three feet of you. You supposed to be the King yet you're actin' like the jester with this clown routine. Stop floppin', doggie, this isn't soccer.
Nate: Morgan Freeman the God President is disappointed in you
Alright that's all from us. We hope the award winners hold their titles with pride. Enjoy the finals! (we won't).