Authentic's got all of the doo-doo rhymes and vague, sensual whispering you'd expect on a modern LL Cool J album. Plus, it features appearances from Seal and Monica, so it's basically like the Space Jam Soundtrack Part II, except this time the Monstars stole everyone's powers.1. Bath Salt
The name of this song is a metaphor because LL Cool J's rap career is trying to come back from the dead and feed on our brains. Someone tell Daryl Dixon to save us all. You can't even get to the first verse without him lyric-checking Salt 'n' Pepa and talking about his genitals. In "Bath Salt," LL raps, "Ear drums dealing with harrassment." This is a valid interpretation of what it's like to listen to "Bath Salt."
2. Not Leaving You Tonight (ft. Fitz and the Tantrums w/ Eddie Van Halen)
Things you'll find in "Not Leaving You Tonight":
Poker metaphors
Proper use of the phrase "turnt up"
Football metaphors (Fourth and a hundred, but love's a first down. A quarterback, ya comeback, right now. When a Hail Mary works the world is like, "wow.")
Boxing metaphors
LL Cool J name-checking Fitz & the Tantrums for the oddest shoutout in the history of music
Eddie Van Halen shredding a solo
3. New Love (ft. Charlie Wilson)
This jam starts out, "Honk your horns if she's walking by right now," because, hooray misogyny!
9. Between the Sheetz (ft. Mickey Shiloh)
Immediately, you know this is gonna be your JAM because they spell "sheets" with a "z." That kind of thing is all the rage right now. Does he proceed to rap about having his tongue on a woman's feet? You betcha. Actually, this is the kind of track you expect from an aging rapper/R&B singer who is just out of touch enough to put a "z" in the song title and fill an album with ill-advised pop-rock-rap mashups. This is remarkably better than the rest of the album, though it still registers a zero on a binary scale.
