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Drumpf Digest: All of Donald Trump's Follies in One Scroll

Drumpf Digest: All of Donald Trump's Follies in One Scroll

Donald Trump

If life had a color code, it would be an emergency omega level red right about now.

The unfathomable has been made real, as reality TV star + real estate mogul, Donald Trump, is the 45th President of the United States. Since entering the White Office, Trump has already begun dismantling the moves made by the previous administration + affecting all our lives in the U.S. and abroad.

Despite being called out on numerous lies between himself, his press secretary Sean Spicer + his counselor Kellyanne Conway — Trump continues to ostracize the U.S. against Muslims, immigrants and those concerned about climate change.

With that said, in seven days Trump has already done more damage than anyone ever in American history — and that’s yuge! We’ve decided to chronicle all the crazy, shit-tastic things he’s done since becoming Cheeto-In-Chief in a daily series called Drumpf Digest. So, without any further ado, here are just a lot of funked-up things Mr. Trump (#NotMyPresident) has done since he was sworn in on Jan. 20.

Thursday, April 20

* Support for marijuana legalization is at an all-time high, but don’t think that Attorney General Jeff Sessions is going to join in anytime soon.
* Speaking of Jeff Sessions, he recently sent a diss to Hawaii, saying it is an “island in the Pacific” and not a member of the 50 states. Hawaii and Twitter lit him up.
* The Secret Service will begin permanently restricting access to the sidewalk on the South Fence of the White House beginning at 11 p.m. on April 19.

Wednesday, April 19

* President Trump wants to drop more bombs, so he is asking Congress for authorization to use military force against the Syrian regime.
* Trump also signed into law a bill expanding the Veterans Choice Program, which allows some veterans to opt for private care.

Tuesday, April 18

* Next on Trump’s target list is a visa program cherished by tech companies because it brings in programmers and other specialized workers from other countries.
* Did you file your taxes yesterday? Guess who didn’t release theirs? Donald Trump. Sucks right? Being held to a duty that the so-called “leader of the free world” can ignore at will.
* As expected, there is a possible conflict of interest involving Ivanka Trump and the Trump family business.

Monday, April 17

* If you didn’t know, Trump was in Mar-A-Lago enjoying another week off from doing anything. Meanwhile, North Korea’s nuclear threat is “coming to a head,” Lt. Gen. H.R. McMaster, head of Trump’s national security, said Sunday.
* President Donald Trump said “someone should look into who paid for” rallies held across the country Saturday that urged him to release his tax returns.
* In another wise decision (see: sarcasm) — Trump tapped Scott Garrett to head the Export-Import Bank, the nation’s official export credit agency. Funny thing is, the Congressman once voted to eliminate the very organization he wants to run.

Friday, April 14

* The Trump’s are costing us hella money, y’all. This week, Eric Trump‘s international hotel stay in the UK, plus car rental costs, plus the Secret Service agents to protect him and his brother Donald Trump Jr. has topped $190,000 since Jan. 1. We need the receipts so we can be reimbursed.
* The White House won’t make public the logs of visitors to the White House complex, breaking with the practice of President Trump’s predecessor.
* The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) has volunteered to offer training sessions focused on Holocaust education to Sean Spicer. He dreadfully needs it, America.
* Democrats are up in arms over President Donald Trump’s threats to deny payments to health insurers under Barack Obama’s health care law.

Thursday, April 13

* CIA Director Mike Pompeo sent direct shots to WikiLeaks, calling them a “hostile” intelligence service often aided by questionable actors like Russia.
* Trump was vague on whether he authorized the use of the “mother of all bombs” in Afghanistan on Thursday, simply saying his White House has given the military “total authorization.”
* Trump signed into legislation an allowance of states to withhold federal family planning funds from Planned Parenthood and other abortion providers.
* Veterans and medical professionals at a Washington, D.C. VA medical center have prompted a scathing report from the agency’s inspector general because of subpar conditions.
* Trump is pissing North Korea the funk off, as the country’s vice foreign minister says that the Orange Face Invasion is “making trouble” with “aggressive” tweets.

Wednesday, April 12

* Donald Trump reverses his position on NATO, saying that the organization is “no longer obsolete” in a joint news conference with NATO’s security general.
* The Associated Press confirms that Trump’s campaign aide Paul Manafort received $1.2+ million in off-the-books payments from pro-Russia political party.

Tuesday, April 11

* White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said Tuesday that Nazi German dictator “didn’t even sink to using chemical weapons” during World War II. He’s obviously not a student of history.
* Trump is pushing against North Korea as he believes the country is “looking for trouble,” warning China that the U.S. “will solve the problem without them” if China doesn’t pressure the North over its nuclear weapon program. Sounds like someone is itching to start World War III.
* Classified documents contradict House Intel Chairman Devin Nunes‘ surveillance claims, GOP and Dem sources say.
* Trump’s dumpy son, Eric Trump, hinted that Ivanka may have encouraged her father to launch missile strikes against Syria. Wow, what a family!

Monday, April 10

* Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock from all of the shooting and Syria mess, Neil Gorsuch was confirmed for U.S. Supreme Court.
* John McCain is challenging Rex Tillerson to question President Vladimir Putin about his involvement in Syria. Will Rex answer the call? Probably not.
* In addition to offering free college tuition to impoverished students, New York has also become the first state to provide lawyers for every immigrant detained or facing deportation.

Saturday, April 8

* For all the hype people gave Obama for “vacationing,” Trump is worst. Currently, the Orange Face Invasion is at Trump International Golf Club in Florida. It is his 15th golf course trip since taking office 11 weeks ago.

Friday, April 7

* True journalist Dan Rather lays the smack down on would-be reporters who have said Trump “finally looks presidential” after bombing Syria this week.
* “US struck base deliberately avoided destroying chem weapons / killing crews. Warned Ru/Sy. Message? Kabuki lives. #SyriaStrikes.” That message from real-life spy, Malcolm Nance, claims Trump is trying to distract us yet again.

Thursday, April 6

* Trump launched 50 Tomahawk missiles at Syria‘s air force in an act of aggression. This foof has been itching to start a war and now he’s found his opening.
* Devin Nunes has recused himself from the House Intelligence Committee investigation of Russia, which was supported by Paul Ryan.
* The U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley was speaking at Tina Brown‘s Women in the World Summit when she went silent as a protester yells, “What about the women?”
* Twitter has taken the president to court in a lawsuit because Trump’s administration wanted to know the identity behind an anti-Trump account.

Wednesday, April 5

* If you didn’t know, you better ask somebody — Steve “Dark Sith Lord” Bannon has been ousted as a member of the National Security Council. He will remain Trump’s chief strategist though.
* Despite having to give up their businesses to allow Trump to be president, daughter Ivanka Trump still handles the affairs for Trump Hotels.
* As Trump is want to do, he accuses a person (this time Susan Rice) with absolutely no evidence.
* Governor Rick Perry was added to the National Security Council. He’ll probably say “oops” and let a few terrorists in to destroy his home state.

Tuesday, April 4

* Fed’s Jeffrey Lacker steps down after admitting he released confidential information.
* Harvard University is engaging in progressive activism as students have created an anti-Trump “resistance school,” which allows students to enroll to fight Trump either in person or online.
* The White House is accusing Obama (again!) for being weak in the wake of Assad‘s chemical attack in Syria.
* Attorney General Jeff Sessions has delayed a hearing on police reform in Baltimore.

Monday, April 3

* If you’re ever in the White House or the capital for that matter, and happen to cross paths with Secretary of State Rex Tillersondon’t look him in the eyes. You may turn to stone.
* Senator Charles Schumer urges President Trump to veto a resolution that would kill an online privacy regulation.
* What’s slick, slimy and makes $740 million from its business? Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared Kushner, who both work for our government. Go figure, right?
* Betsy DeVos, the current Secretary of Education, has a brother who held a secret meeting to establish a private channel between Trump and Vladimir Putin.
* Think you’re safe on the internet? Well, Trump just signed a bill into law that rolls back consumer privacy protections banning ISPs from selling your browsing data.
* Think you’re safe in real life? Well, Trump also pulled back an Obama-era protection for women in the workplace. Say goodbye to those hopes + dreams of equal pay.


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